How Balanced Receiving and Asking for Help Strengthens Community
The theme of growing support and connection came up in my recent months of preparing for a TED-style talk. A couple of times I needed a helping hand. After three decades of working in mental health, I know how to recognize this and was able to ask for help. What a difference it made to the project and my stress level! Plus, it was fun to get help, including a great joke a friend shared.
You’re not alone if you hesitate or get uncomfortable asking for help. This country has a myth that to succeed, you need to “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” and figure it out on your own. This is bogus. If you examine any successful person’s story, there is usually a thick web of support, mentors, and funds they seek that play a crucial role in their success story.
You don’t want to be demanding with your ask, no. With a bit of practice, this gets much easier. Growing your support circle means having more people in your posse, You’ll have more backup. You can give others the grace to say no if it doesn’t work for them.
Getting help does not only benefit you. When anyone offers support to another, they receive health benefits. This is why volunteering rocks. Plus, social support studies show increased longevity for people with a strong support system.
So, let’s get over the way the bootstrap myth inhibits stronger support circles and connections. With the holidays coming, it’s a great time to add the practice of sharing support and asking for help, even if you think you don’t need it. Asking when you’re in crisis mode tends to be more of a turnoff. Much better to be more proactive and ask early so you and the helper can better plan your collaboration.
A recent visitor, my Mastermind partner Karen DeBolt
THREE REASONS TO STRETCH INTO ASKING FOR SUPPORT
1) OXYTOCIN – THE LOVE HORMONE
You may have heard about the hormone oxytocin. This is one of the feel-good hormones we produce naturally. This hormone can be increased in many ways, check that out here. In addition to getting or giving a massage, doing yoga, or other physical and creative activities, oxytocin is boosted with any sharing and caring acts.
Do you like to cook for those you love? This counts. Can you put your phone down and be present and a good listener when you’re with your buddies? Good marks there. Do you like hugs, cuddling, and having sex? If you’re like most humans, actions that boost oxytocin qualify as fun.
Random acts of kindness – yes, oxytocin gets a boost there. So keep that in mind when you hesitate to get support or expand your connections. Many don’t feel they can ask for help, or don’t have the connections in place – this is another good reason to stretch out here. Usually, it’s not your fault but more the cultural blind spot the US has created… That’s the 2nd reason to get out there.
2) THE BLIND SPOT OF US CULTURE
Getting social support or a helping hand, say through social programs or financial aid, has gotten a bad rap in the last forty or fifty years. This rap has become a misguided political theme, to rail against those who need aid as lazy or abusing the system.
So many cultures disagree with the “independence for success” mode. Jewish culture, for example, will expect that as one succeeds, one finds ways to give back to the community, including giving to those less fortunate. Many European countries have a health care and education system that provides for all, without student loans or the risk of becoming unhoused if a health crisis arises.
There tends to be a bias that giving is better than receiving. From what I’ve observed this belief is unfounded and leads to codependence and people-pleasing. Those old patterns are hard to shift! A more enlightened perspective? Learning to receive well, and being able to say no, especially when your instinctual answer is to say no. These skills increase sanity, good stress management, and true community.
Balanced giving and receiving means you can ask for help and know when to offer it. What if asking for help was seen as a way to strengthen community connections? Recently I watched a fellow therapist ask her group for post-surgery support. She had more than she needed and her surgery went well. Lovely!
3) SPREAD THE LOVE BEYOND YOUR FAMILY OR PARTNER
Limiting support to your partner or family can take a toll. I recall experiences where clients realized this through therapy. This was especially true in my specialty area of dealing with health crises. Everyone needs someone they can talk to, and to expand this beyond those who always have your ear, or those you don’t want to over-burden, is a boon for all.
I have one savvy friend who is proactive with her support circle by cultivating girlfriends. Her partner is older and she foresees she might eventually be single again. Strategic perhaps, yet also common sense. The blue zones tend to have more communal gatherings. I need to stretch myself here and have more dinner parties and brunches with friends.
SUMMARY AND THE JOKE
Life isn’t getting easier in these transitional times. Strong support circles can help. Plus, the more you can talk and get out of your head, the more clarity and positive actions naturally result.
With my recent talk, there was a surprise last-minute challenge with the slides. I handled that but it took time I hadn’t planned on and sucked up my bandwidth. That night I tried on the clothes I planned to wear, and the jacket seemed too big. I was in that higher stress zone, and couldn’t quite trust my sense of it. I was able to ask for a second opinion, and it was scheduled for later that day.
Once I asked for help, my stress level plummeted, my bandwidth grew, and I could get back to memorizing. I’d see if I was totally off base or not. In the end, I borrowed another jacket which was a better color. As my friend was leaving, she commented, “Yeah, the other jacket reminded me of David Byrne”. (In the Stop Making Sense movie, he wears that oversized suit!)
Her joke didn’t even register until a bit later. Then I had a big LOL and “I thought so!” moment. While there may have been some risk to asking for help, it was much better than circling in anxiety or adding even more stress than the TED talk already had created.
ANCESTRAL SUPPORT
It’s the Day of the Dead weekend. This is a good time to remember that those in your family or lineage who’ve passed are also part of your support network. Visualize them healed if you had a rough go. Updating relationships with the dead is one of my favorite ways to work with clients using intuitive healing and hypnotherapy. If it’s time, expand your support circle. Honor and thank your ancestors and family tree.Welcome their support on this wily road.
RESOURCES
Time to Ask for Support? A Checklist
Book a free consultation with Denise HERE, to learn more about her services, and to clear any blocks to having good relations with ancestors.
Denise’s new book, Stress to Strength on Amazon in Kindle and Paperback
