Active Coping Versus Road Rage: Coping Well when Stuck

How do you cope well when you’re stuck? This last weekend I happened to be traveling back home in the midst of the changing Aspen leaf season. Oh, it is lovely when that sacred community of trees turns gold, and orange and makes sweet tinkling noises when the wind blows. My short vacation had been stupendous – but the plan didn’t cover the timing of the return. And our lovely aspen leaf season was longer than usual.

Hindsight is 20 20, oh yeah. My friend had suggested I detour to hang at the Sand Dunes, but, oh no, I wanted to keep moving. Unpack and get ready for the week. Yes, it can be hard to “stop, be still, and chill”, even though my inner comedy character Tina T insists on this practice. Nope. I didn’t think I could afford the time. Then the ride home took two extra hours anyway, due to my leaf-peeping, beauty-seeking, hip Coloradan comrades.

The Nature of the Beast

By the time I realized my road trip faux pas, I was stuck behind a line of cars that were all seeking the peak Golden Aspen experience. No, I didn’t think to check the map app – I knew the way. I don’t usually go to this area at this time of year due to crowds. Maybe I was still a bit high on life after last week’s 2nd great backpack of the summer. Wait, last week was Fall – see? I was further disoriented by the change of seasons. I also tend to underutilize apps as I’m a Cal Newport (author of Digital Minimalism) devotee and like to minimize phone use.

There I was, at a standstill, with Tina laughing in my ear. I can’t tell you how many times she’s said, “I told you so!” I turned off the car probably half a dozen times. Passing lanes were of no use. I’d already had one phone call that needed to happen before the traffic hit. I had food, I had water, and I had my other methods of road trip smarts. Then Maps informed me, I had another ninety minutes of standstill traffic ahead.

The Coping Choices – Active or Passive Coping? What’s in my control, what’s not?

These are times when stress management can benefit or harm. What were my options? Road rage was possible, but yeah, no – not effective coping. Pretty passive, to give in to negative emotion. Plus, it could harm others. I didn’t really think of this option – I was still riding the leftover vacation happiness. But there were a few curses as I realized the predicament.

Luckily, I was surrounded by beauty. This isn’t always the case when surprise stress hits. It certainly could be worse. That was a positive attitude spin. As far as coping – active coping is when you lean toward the stress, and deal with it effectively. Passive you just turn your head, freak out, or punch a hole in the wall.

A good tool to use with any stress is to define the problem (Doh! Traffic I didn’t anticipate through my poor planning) and then break the problem into two sides. The side in my control, and the side that is not in my control. As you know, the traffic, the number of hip Coloradans traipsing around Highway 285 seeking beauty, the beautiful weather, the limited roadways through this high country, the beauty of the pass we were all trying to cross… Lots of things that were not in my control. Active coping for this side of a problem usually involves watching that your thoughts and emotions don’t add more stress. Taking frustration to the level of road rage is an example of ineffective coping with that side.

Effective Coping Choices

OK. What about what was in my control? How I use the “extra” time I was “gifted” with (see how attitude comes into play here, which is always in your control?) So, time management always falls here. I could stay focused on the beauty. I could make more phone calls and catch up with family and friends. I did that. And then still had plenty of time on my hands. What else was possible here? Yes, I did envy the motorcyclists who were able to pass the long line of cars – cheeky punks! (Oops! Momentary failure to hold good thoughts.)

I then realized I had my songbook on the seat next to me, due to almost leaving it behind. Oh, there’s an idea. I took out a handful of these songs, those I’m learning and ones I love, and just started singing a Capello. Sure, the guitar was in the back seat.  I could have pulled over and put out a tip hat – but why complicate things? This killed a lot of time (is that a good time mgmt. hack, Kill that time?) And it was fun. I don’t usually “manage” my time well enough to get to singing, though I consider it a best gift. So, there were songs belted out. Ha ha! My own personal carful of beauty creation.

Even More Options

A few other options I indulged in – Prayer. I grounded the whole area (energy work) and gave it a blessing. I sent prayers and blessings to the drivers around me, and to my ancestors. I practiced gratitude for the vacation that went off without a hitch (until now). I texted the friend I had just left behind in NM. She was sympathetic and uplifting. She did not say, “I told you so.”

I texted her when I got home 2 hours later. “Just home… (crazy eyes, tongue-hanging-out-emoji) … It actually became a religious experience in the end.”

She replied (crying/laughing and thumbs up emoji) “Glad you got there in an enlightened state (rainbow emoji).” That made me laugh out loud. As you might guess, humor is an advanced stress mgmt. practice.

Yes, for coping options that work well with the side of the problem in your control, you can include community/asking for support, communicating, and self-care (ala creativity – the songs). That’s effective coping – to focus on what you can control when things get harrowing. Your coping skills and overall stress mgmt. fall on the “in your control” side of step 2 of the Stress to Strength model, covered in my new book.

Conclusion

The hardest side of life can involve stress that surprises you. Effective coping and good stress mgmt. practices can CYA, especially in hard times.

Extra bits:

Here is a news article on the increased road rage the crowded roads engendered last weekend

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