This is an intense time on Earth, have you noticed? In addition to business-as-usual stress, there’s surprise stress that visits. Recently I had a chance to experience a stress ambush (smile). These are great opportunities to use tools in retrospect to improve coping chops. Let’s discuss ideas for coping with stress when coping fails.
No, you can’t completely avoid derails – those times when stress takes you off your best-laid path. Yet you can learn a lot about what didn’t work. And, you can notice progress.
For example, the challenges I noticed this last round were:
- The derail was days long and while I got essential work done, productivity suffered
- My deeper negative thoughts/beliefs took time to surface (see point 4 below)
Yet, there is always learning – and some progress. I noticed:
- I didn’t regress to prior bad coping methods (these don’t work, & make things worse)
- I stayed kind to myself through the pause, even when the pause seemed too long
- I used the tools I could and did my best to stay aware
- I was ready to jump back to work when the pause passed
What’s going on when coping fails? And what can you do about it? Here are some ideas for coping when coping skills fail, for the next round of the current Stress Olympics.
1) Tsunami Stress Waves
This last time I had 7 or 8 stressors pile up, and half of those were surprises or below the radar. Looking back on it helped me see – oh, that was a lot. There was a deep realization and sadness from my current healing work. There was the pressure (read drama) I was putting on myself regarding a new project (see news below). The internal image I got was of these waves coming from different directions and colliding. No wonder there was a wipeout!
Ideas: It helps to write down all the things on your “stress palette” – not just the to-dos, but also the psychological strain factor of any projects, like healing work or estrangements in relationships, or new challenging projects. Next time you feel stuck try this worksheet from my new Stress to Strength book. It’s like a “You Are Here” reminder, and can help to map out current priorities.
2) Global stress toll
Elections. Wars. Economic uncertainty. Climate change. Upsets with good causes like healthcare, equal rights, justice, and sharing wealth. You may know that news outlets tend to emphasize bad news, but it can still be a downer even when you’re aware. That can add saltwater to the stress waves, especially when you’re tired of the old ways and ready for change. This global stress may fall to the background, yet it takes a toll.
Ideas: Take a break from the news or get more selective, Lately I’ve been leaving it to the algorithms and that’s not the best. There are alternatives like The Good News Network (check out this article on building blocks being made from bomb rubble in Ukraine) or the Happy Broadcast. (What other news outlets do you love?) Other ideas include sending care to people or the planet with meditation practices such as the Metta meditation. Or try the neurologically based idea people like Joe Dispenza and Rick Hanson might suggest. When worrying and obsessing about the dark side, ask your intuitive side, How could this shift or improve? Your brain will search for answers – it loves problem-solving. Let yourself be surprised. It doesn’t have to be a realistic solution to upshift your mood and outlook. It’s similar to a gratitude practice; see if this helps.
3) Keep those practices going
When stress rises, it’s easy to abandon good coping practices: exercise, healthy eating, good sleep, and meditation. These dropouts can cascade – for example, when bad sleep makes it easy to eat poorly, forego the workout, or ditch your meditation time.
Ideas: Stay aware of the ways high stress can tempt a break from good coping habits. A note from habit change guru James Clear helped me with this. He says that day two of missing a practice will create a new habit! Oops! You don’t want the new habit to be NOT exercising, meditating, etc. Taking a break for one day can be OK, but day two should raise a red flag warning. You can also try to do a shorter version of the practice. I’ll fall back to the 5-minute journal when short on time. Workouts too can range from small to large. I feel much better at the start of the day, even with a 20 min walk.
4) Drama from the Inner Diva
I like to play with characters as you may know. Not a fan of the term “imposter syndrome”. I call that resistance the Doubt Diva, which makes me smile. Any humor is good – it is truly an advanced practice when you are stressed – though often it feels out of reach. Add more drama without humor, and things can seem more dire, and stress climbs.
Ideas: Thoughts and emotions can add more drama to challenges. Tools will take these down a notch. Write thoughts down (they often look ridiculous in the light of day). Feel the feeling for two minutes and try emotional mindfulness tools like Tapping or RAIN. The good news? Often under this drama are clues for continued growth and healing.
HERE’S A HELPFUL QUOTE from James Clear’s NL, the author of Atomic Habits.
“It’s dark because you are trying too hard. Lightly child, lightly. Learn to do everything lightly. Yes, feel lightly even though you’re feeling deeply. Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them. I was so preposterously serious in those days, such a humorless little prig.
Lightly, lightly – it’s the best advice ever given me… So throw away your baggage and go forward. There are quicksands all about you, sucking at your feet, trying to suck you down into fear and self-pity and despair. That’s why you must walk so lightly.” Aldous Huxley, Island
CONCLUSION
Lightly children amidst the stress and rubble of these transitional times. Remember BEING – that even being here and maintaining even a low hum of your light – is a huge boon to the collective and planetary growth cycle of these crazy times.
Love and Hope to you and yours,
Denise
Resource: My new book on elegant coping is for therapists and those on the growth path: Check out Stress to Strength, an evidence-based model for mastering stress.
I’ll be speaking about the book, and my evolution post Naropa at the October 18th Alumni Reunion weekend. I’d love to see you there if you’re local – and it will be streamed. Jump on the substack list to stay informed (see side of this page.)