Change can be hard, and social and culture change takes time. It can be jarring at first, when new social ideas and movements appear on the scene. It’s easy to be confused, get defensive or feel threatened. Sixty years ago, Domestic Violence was not even recognized as a thing, as a problem. With the BLM and other movements today, patience and openness to new ideas can be helpful.
At first, reactions, resistance to change…
Recently I saw this quote on social media:
“YOU KNOW FOLKS, I never cared that you were gay, until you started shoving it down my throat, and I never cared what color you were, till you started blaming me for your problems, and I never cared about your political affiliation, until you started condemning me for mine. I really never even cared where you were born, until you wanted to erase my history, and blame my ancestors for your problems. You know I never even cared if your beliefs were different than mine, until you said my beliefs were wrong. But now I care, my patience and tolerance are gone, and I am not alone in feeling like this; there are millions of us who feel like this…” Facebook share circa October 2020
These words provoked me to think about other big social changes that were weathered in recent decades.
The world of therapy where I work has seen epic social change. For example, curbing Domestic Violence (DV) in families is a process that’s been going on for nearly sixty years. Some historical accounts recall that before the 1970s,
“Judges and police officers still saw wife beating as a trivial offense – policemen would tell husbands to calm down and wives to stop annoying them.”
With the help of the women’s liberation movement in the 60s and 70s, the slow wheel of change began to move. At first it might have seemed foreign and threatening; it challenged the norm. The threads of DV impacted generations of families and society. Large, separate systems had to coordinate, to collaborate (mental health workers, police, courts, corrections). DV started to be seen for what it was:
“A serious, violent crime and part of society that harms women, increases child abuse, reduces medical resources, and endangers the lives and welfare of officers.” (For more history on Changing Attitudes about Domestic Violence, see this article by Richard Johnson 2002.)
Even Domestic Violence wasn’t seen as a problem at first!
Let’s say you came from a family in the 60s where it was common to hit or be hit. No big deal. Then you start hearing about this DV campaign. What a shock, right? Likely uncomfortable. Name calling might proceed – what wimps! Not keeping their women/partners/kids in line! This probably felt very threatening for those who didn’t experience this as a problem. It would have perhaps felt like this new view of DV was being forced or “shov(ed) down (your) throat”.
Yep, change is hard, no matter how you slice it. Most of the time, though, you look back and say – you know what? That was a change for the better. Though it didn’t seem that way at the time.
I worked as an educational speaker in the DV field in the 90s. I saw how ingrained that point of view was. I witnessed how difficult it was, for an individual to make that change. Even when there is violence, what you know is often more comfortable than change, than something very new.
Stretching into new awareness and behaviors takes time, and courage. When I saw women return to abusive relationships, I didn’t get it. But like BLM and all the new changes in the wings today, it can be complicated. Shifting from abusive relationships, shifting paradigms, healing from old ways – can be more complicated than it looks.
I admit, my first reaction to the BLM movement as a white woman was, “Wow, have I been missing something?” I thought of the heartbreaking history of persecution from my Irish roots. (Don’t get us started, we’ll sing your ears off about the warring, troubled times. And won’t admit to our terrorism of our opponents, usually.)
It’s Everyone’s Work to End Oppression and Injustice
Many groups on this planet have been oppressed. A smart and talented leader/colleague shared her sense that oppression of women is a bigger and less visible travesty than BLM. I experienced gender discrimination in my first dream job. Being an optimist, this was devastating to my sense that people were good and life was fair. The oppression there had been happening for years, and I didn’t have the resources to challenge it. A humbling, maturing life event.
Still, I knew there was something to pay attention to with BLM. I educated myself. So much info at our fingertips these days! And many libraries and nonprofits offering community education, thankfully. (See the end of this blog for resources, and check out the movies Thirteen and I am not your Negro).
I caught a great, informative radio show (know the source? Let me know) – in which an African American woman relayed a terrifying story of being pulled over and raged at by a cop. The reason? Unclear. Luckily, the policeman realized he was in error, and then apologized. But not before terrorizing this woman, who remained shaken by his abusive stereotyping.
This would not have happened to me. There is a very different experience of discrimination that thrives today for people of color (POC). It started with slavery, with profit motives, and hasn’t ended.
Change is slow, and at first it feels threatening. It kicks on our Fight or Flight response. It may feel like it’s irrelevant, or being forced on you. Our current divisive climate further demonizes needed change. But you don’t have to join that bandwagon or remain ignorant of current tides. Get curious. Read up or watch a few movies/documentaries. A little education matter, right – in the binge-watching stream. It’s up to all to increase unity and fairness – for the sake of our younger kin.
Before chanting All Lives Matter, see the authentic archival footage of the raw murderous rage of the whites protesting integration/civil rights in the movie I Am Not Your Negro. This is worse than the most frightening horror movie ever – sickening! BLM is a real and present danger, and now is a great time for it to be addressed.
Now is the Time for Important Social Change
Other points worth remembering:
Yes, as VP Pence said in the VP debate, Americans have always loved a good debate. But they also love to remember common ground we all share, and stay respectful during/after debating.
Listening to each other and learning from our differences is part of the golden rule to do no harm. Differences are valuable and diversity creates stronger people and communities.
The current purposefully-stoked division does not originate from most people’s hearts. It is born of think tank propaganda that wishes to distract the crowd from the real issues. Controlling Covid-19, economic stability/strength, accessible quality health care. Most agree on these!
One good friend keeps talking to her neighbors of a different party. They still water each other’s’ gardens and take care of each other’s animals when on vacation. They can joke about their differences and stay friends.
We can do this. Create a peaceful and prosperous society and world. Find ways to follow the Dalai Lama’s religion. He calls it, Kindness. Pretty simple. And needed. Kids are harmed by witnessing endless acrimony and anger.
May the United States live up to its name, and weather change well in this post-election time, and the years ahead, for the good of all.
How are you rolling with the incredible change 2020 has thrown your way? What helps you weather change well? Please share your heart in the comments below. That’s part of how this works!