Do you find it hard to ask for help? This can be an inherited bad habit. Call it the Puritan Club, or the Forefathers Bad Beliefs Brood, or the No Fun on This Planet/Keep Your Head Down Consortium. Luckily, whether you’re seeking to team up with the Divine, a professional, a colleague, or a friend/family member, asking for help is the doorway to a whole new paradigm. It’s a prerequisite dance step for expanding beyond the boogie you are now.
I happen to come across results from a poll I printed out from astrologer Bridgett Walther’s website in 2006 – and the results are still a bit shocking to me. The query was, “When I need help or support, I (do x)” … and here were the responses and the percentages of the hundreds or more who replied:
When I need help or support:
- I mostly count on my closest friends 17%
- I try to handle things on my own, then reluctantly ask for help 28%
- My first call is to a family member 14%
- I feel less encumbered just calling a professional 4%
- I’m not good at asking for help, but have no problem helping others 32%
- Others volunteer without my having to ask 2 %
- I make use of government/community services 1%
- I generally go into deep, deep denial 2%
While this poll is informal and not necessarily the most well-researched design, it tells us a lot about how repugnant it is for most to ask for help. The puritan ethic is all about being independent and pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps, as it were. Yes, it’s a harsh and lonely road, but chin up – it builds character, they say.
So if you suffer from this old school influence, maybe you wait until it’s the absolute last moment, when your situation becomes in need of some serious miracles versus a bit of backing, before wailing for help. Or you’re so reticent and ashamed that you need assistance, you ask for it in such a way that you tend to get less than enthusiastic responses, and never ask again. Or you have a version of the stuck in the birth canal method I endorse, hee hee.
Well, poppycock I say, to the Forefathers and No Fun clubs. Let’s look at some of the training that makes you think you’re bad or a dimwit for needing help. Let’s become hip to some positive ways to frame this natural need. In the following discussion, or okay, rant – be on the lookout for your best personal reframe of this poppycock-laden area.
The only good news here is it gives you many opportunities to say Poppycock. With feeling! This is a great and magical word. Use its power whenever needed to instantly burst the balloon of any old school, blowhard belief you may encounter. Speaking of which . . .
FOUR BOGUS BELIEFS THAT TRAIN YOU TO SHUN SUPPORT
1) You Should Have Done Even Better Than That
In Battlestar Galactica, my current recreational sci-fi soap opera, I mean character study, the badass female spaceship pilot – the future sexy Starbuck – has an especially critical Mom. When Starbuck became an officer, graduating 16th in a class of 117, she visits her Mom. Mom bitterly chastises her, “WTF? Why didn’t you pull off first in your class?”
Now wait a minute Mom – you said yourself in that last breath that Starbuck was the first in the family to make officer rank. Hello! What’s up here? Everything could be better, including your own failure to make officer status. How about noticing what went well here?
Nope, and as a result, the perfectionist streak, to trump any appreciation or progress, is born. Welcome, pattern of getting shi* versus celebration. Thanks Mom, for such excellent modeling of the proverbial rain on your dear one’s parade. Owie! Deja Vu anyone?
Go back in time and say Hey mom and pops – ever hear of the Persian rug flaw? Yeah, it’s an ancient practice to remind us that the beauty of the human realm at times lies in its wondrous, and in this case slight, imperfection. See their eh? response, and watch them hesitate at all future (slightly) imperfect points.)
2) You Should Have Done This By Now – aka Only Dunkoffs Need Help
This is a big one for independent professionals. There is so much free information out there, you could spend all your marketing and work time downloading free workbooks and listening to podcasts promising you big income/breakthroughs. And how cool is that? Instant access to everything you need to know about how to market your business etc., for free, on the internet.
On the other hand, information is step one. You likely have heard of these ideas before. Maybe you have a few notes on this step that you in fact want to test. And then it’s time to go from the idea realm to the action zone. You know what needs to be done. It’s time to face the blank pad, or take the steps to put yourself out there. And that’s where you encounter obstacles, doubts, misgivings and effects of previous bad programming. But going to the action zone is where you’ll need to go to customize the overflow of information into what will work for you.
Obstacles want to slow you down, or shut you down completely. It’s a bit more of a wrestle at times than the downloads. Getting help keeps obstacles in their place as natural, colorful scenery along the road to the next stop on your creative train ride. Skillful help assures that this train ride doesn’t become a train wreck when there are a few bodacious bumps. So next podcast invitation, ask yourself and/or your business – do I really need more info, or do I need to go where the rubber meets the road and take an action step. If an obstacle finds you, you can take it in stride as a good sign, and get help as needed if it appears to be the size of the perfect storm wave.
3) It’s Better to Give than Receive
Who made this up, a donation-hungry Church? Often bible quotations have a multitude of interpretations. While giving is grand, this is a case where things have gotten way out of hand. Giving is not better than receiving; you need a balance. Fifty fifty even! After all, your excellence in receiving makes it a much better deal for the giver.
How hard is it for you to receive a gift, a compliment even? (Hint: when you start to deflect praise, stop and just say Thank You … and leave it at that.) How hard is it to take good care of yourself, from basic necessities like good sleep and food, to free time or things like massage, when you deserve a little celebration or credit? And how about investing in yourself or your business with support groups or coaching programs?
Do you ever notice how weird it feels when someone who is out of balance lists all the things they give, especially when it comes from a needy place – the old “gotta give to be worthy” theme? Yuck. Personally, I prefer someone who is less “giving” but more honest about having limits to their time and energy. When that person gives, it’s a true, quality gift. For many out-of-balance givers, a few centuries of practice, getting more comfortable with receiving, is in order.
4) Getting Bigger (e.g., Rich, Successful, Happy) Will Make You a Prideful, Conceited Windbag
Oh those forefathers has a field day with the programming here. Perhaps too much brilliance in the work force would have brought too much questioning of the status quo. Part of what you learn with this bogus belief is how to take your gifts for granted. You’ve heard of learned helplessness – this is learned blindness. This is the programming that makes you stammer when it’s time to describe your work, write your website, or set the price for your services.
Don’t fret. Humility is a wonderful quality, and rather common among wildly successful millionaires. One of the antidotes to this old school guideline is to notice every little evolution of your unique offerings and growth. This is not pride or conceit, and most prior students of old school programming will never become grossly conceited or blowfish proud. Rather, stepping into bigger confidence and appreciation enables you to articulate your essence and clarify your offerings to those who are waiting for your support. Getting support here alleviates the learned blindness accumulation, and speeds you back to 20/20 with your heart/soul vision.
THE NEW SCHOOL PARADIGM AKA THE BEAUTY OF SUPPORT
I have the view that a lot of what will be needed in the 2012 era, Y2K jokes aside, is to team up as we paddle together through the muckety muck and the crystal clear patches. Rather than the isolated, every-man-for-himself canoes of the recent decades (think Titanic wound), it might be time to climb aboard with your community of avatars’ fishing boat. Go team! Bring instruments, sacred objects and good stories – it promises to be quite the journey!
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Support helps you expand to a bigger framework, beyond your current level
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You deserve a team as you grow and succeed
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Once you have a successful business, support can help you have a life too
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Getting help can enable you to do more of your true genius work (What happens then?)
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Qualified help at certain stages lets you move beyond what you thought was possible
So, play with this my friends. You can always experiment with small to large steps. It can be fun to design forays into larger and more elegant support systems. For example, you can try:
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Watch who asks you for help, and only say yes to the ones that feel right
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Practicing saying no when there is any doubt at all – often you’re already overcommitted
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Practicing saying yes to yourself when you feel the squeeze of new growth tickling
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When experimenting with larger steps, find some safety – ask about what to expect, what ifs – this is what guarantees are for
- First step is to acknowledge support might be useful. Before you worry about price, just see what quality it would bring to have that with ease.
- Get creative – often times you can devise a trade or a support group when $’s low
Support can be a beautiful thing. So if your contribution to Gaia’s project is expanding, be sure to feed yourself some nutrients from the new school paradigm.
Happy Equinox! Tell us if any of these myths are familiar, and/or what you are doing to upgrade your support these days ~