It reminds me of that great Anais Nin quote – “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” That is one tight rope corridor of pain. (I’m laughing now, but … yo!) When you are at that blooming spot in the cycle – you can’t go back, yet, WHOA – it’s not easy to go forward either.
Pain- aka growing pains – can be relative. Often they match the size of the leap you take – big leap – larger pain. I recently wrote about the decision to go to Egypt with my soul friend, Brigitte, from Switzerland. We met at a Dance/Movement Therapy (body-based psychotherapy) conference in Denver in 2004. We found ourselves keeping in touch, eventually using Skype to do abundance and self-growth work together over the last six years. Last year we casually said – we should meet up again somewhere in the world in 2010 (I visited her in Switzerland in 2006 – and had a wonderful stay in Basil).
Visions of Mediterranean beaches or French countryside retreats danced through my head. One French retreat looked good, but was cancelled. We considered New Mexico – she loves the desert. I was on the mailing list of Nicki Scully, who leads tours to sacred lands and is an expert on Egypt – using that pantheon in her shamanic work (authored Shamanic Mysteries of Egypt). She announced a trip to Egypt with another favorite author of mine, Joan Borysenko. I sent the email to Brigitte, more for kicks and grins. I wasn’t really expecting it to hit home.
Brigitte was instantly attracted. We looked into it. I gulped at the price. The Med beach self-styled retreat would cost about half that amount, Brigitte noted. I’ve not been much of a world traveler thus far – Egypt had not been on the list – but Nicki’s trips sure made my mouth water (being water?) I had wanted to expand my energy healing work, but that was a bit low on the list. Sometimes the soul wins, in terms of ordering our priorities …
Anxiety rose with the decision-making – but I knew somewhere within – this was right. It was way beyond my comfort zone to invest this much money in a retreat or . . . well – what was this going to be? I realize now – the process of initiation – had begun. But first there was that chasm between the Denise of prior safety levels and eh . . . er . . . shoot, who is this person formally known as Denise? And where did that pyramid sprouting from her third eye come from?
WHO WILL YOU BE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF YOUR LEAP
There is that crucial question that is sometimes overlooked when we make plans and set goals. You want X. You can see the steps you need to take to get X. But what will need to change for you to be the person who now has X, and is looking so suave about it? Even with small or simple goals, something will likely need to change – inside and out.
I am reminding myself of this now, but in July I had forgotten. I’d just booked a little tourist trip, right? Cool. Yes, I would need to scrimp a bit and devote myself to this goal, but no worries. Heh heh. That was before the Old Biddy Ancestors visited.
“Hey, ye child of poor Irish heritage!! What the hell are you doing? You are not one of those globe-trotting travelers!! You are not a handsomely paid dance therapist like Brigitte. You are not meant to thrive like that. You realize don’t you that you are INVITING DISASTER!!! You fool!!! (This was even before they knew I’d be draining the emergency fund.) You remember the Potato Famine, don’tcha????” OMG OMG etc.
Yes indeedy, this leap would require passage through the energy birth canal – the shift zone of deep changes, All the symptoms of my particular birth history arose. This was the time when buckets of anesthesia were used, and my Mom was out cold. I have a sense (from my movement work training) that I was stuck in the birth canal for quite some time, nose to pelvis, and emerged less than a happy camper.
In July, I had some of that stuckness and fear return. I hung in limbo – not able to go forward or undo my steps. I mean yes, I could have reneged on the decision to go to Egypt, but that didn’t feel right either. Post-leap paralysis had descended, though I didn’t realize it at first. I sure wondered what the heck was happening.
Something had to give, and it did luckily. First, I had to recognize this decision to go to Egypt was a big step. Yeah, my Old Biddy ancestors weren’t going to be traveling with me! Then I needed to realize more support would be needed to pull off this change. Yes, I already had the support of group of colleagues that met regularly. But this was the big T – transformation – that I’d ventured into, a bit unwittingly perhaps. Another butterfly bites the dust.
WHAT YOU NEED FOR TRANSFORMATION ALLEY
You have you own particular way that you travel through these transformative journeys. Recalling your birth stories may provide some clues. (We somatic therapists love this field – called pre- and perinatal psychology.) Were you and mom drugged to smithereens, like in my birth? This might explain the fog that descends. Was you’re a caesarean birth? Ah, maybe that explains the hope for rescue as you near the end of a project. Or were you premature? How does that influence show up in your life?
You can also investigate your transformation preferences and needs by investigating your creative process or how you maneuver through work projects. What is easy, and what is hard? Are you the brilliant start up / idea person? Are you known for follow through and getting things done mid-process? Is it hard to complete projects, or deal with endings? Where do things tend to get bogged down for you?
Quantum leaps can be seen as a mini-birth. Regardless of your birth process imprints and personal style, there are some common areas to consider when you are venturing from the sapling to the Redwood zone.
a) Safety. Birth is messy. It often entails unraveling, wailing, pain. Do what you can to hold yourself kindly and create a conducive environment. For me – this meant being kind to myself even when I didn’t know what was happening or why I felt like wailing.
b) Support. Just like parents can use the help of a village to raise a child, your current support system may need to expand when you take a quantum leap. In my case, it was time to get some extra coaching in addition to my mastermind group.
c) Patience. Once you leap, you relinquish control. Argghhh! That can be hard, yet, the good news is; now the universe is your partner and may have some ideas. This is the part of the affirmation that say this “or something better” now manifests. The universe often thinks bigger than you – keep breathing and see what happens with that.
Methinks it’s the time for quantum leaps . The slack is eroding as the planet too enters the birth canal of transformation. This is part of what 2012 is about in the big picture. Our whole family is being invited to do the transformation tango.
If you’d like more support – check out the new program (I expect it to fill this week).
And your emails are always welcome – as well as your comments on the blog – if you’d like to share your observations on life in 2010 – or any topics you’d like to hear more about.
Namaste, dear travelers of spirit.