A client said to me recently, “Oh yeah, I know that tool.”
And my response was, “Yes, but did you use it in that moment when you were spinning?
Did you kindly shift the self-talk? Did you shorten that derail time?”
Because here’s the thing: knowing isn’t the same as doing.
There are often thresholds we have to cross in order to expand. And right now, it feels like all humans are being asked to expand in one way or another. Like any doorway, portal, or bridge, there are often demons standing in the way. Not literal demons, perhaps, but fears, distractions, doubts, and old stories that suddenly seem very convincing when we’re about to take a meaningful step forward. It can be those things we feel are true that block expanding.
The funny thing is that these demons take themselves very seriously. Yet most of the time, they don’t pan out the way we imagine they will.
At the same time, our ideal vision doesn’t always unfold exactly as we’d hoped, either.
I saw this in my own life recently. As I took a risk, I secretly hoped there might be some grand confirmation waiting on the other side. Maybe a choir of angels singing “Ahhh!” as I stepped bravely into the unknown. A personal hosanna.
Instead?
No angel choir appeared.
What showed up was simply the last of my fears and self-doubts doing one final dance before fading into the background.
After four decades of taking risks, making changes, falling asleep to myself, waking up again, and doing it all over, here are a few observations.
1. You Need a Clear Impulse, Then You Have to Walk Blind
A clear impulse matters. You need some inner knowing, some genuine nudge that says, “This direction.” But once you take the leap, something interesting often happens: you lose sight of the outcome.
With deep change and meaningful risk, there’s frequently a period where you’re simply plodding along in the dark. You’re doing the work, taking the steps, and trusting the process without much evidence that it’s working.
Sometimes it takes months before you can clearly see that you made the right move. That’s normal.
2. The Middle Is the Faith Spot
This is the part where amnesia can set in.
You’ve left the old ground behind, but the new ground hasn’t appeared yet. You’re standing in what I call the benefit-of-the-doubt zone. The faith spot.
Not faith as blind belief, but faith as a willingness to keep moving when certainty isn’t available.
This is where growth asks the most of us. The temptation is to turn around and run back to what’s familiar. The invitation is to keep walking.
3. Remember Why You Left the Old Way
When doubt appears, it helps to remember something important:
The old way wasn’t working.
We tend to romanticize what we’re leaving behind once we’re uncomfortable in the transition. You forget the frustration, the stagnation, the exhaustion, or the limitations that pushed us toward change in the first place. We forget the heart sick feeling.
The new path may not yet be clear. You may not have all the answers. But that doesn’t automatically mean the old path was the right one.
Sometimes progress looks like uncertainty for a while.
4. Growth Requires Strength on Three Levels
Over the years, I’ve come to think of growth and healing as requiring strength on three different levels.
Level One: Lifestyle
Your foundation matters.
Sleep, movement, nutrition, rest, healthy routines, and basic self-care are not glamorous, but they create stability. You need tools that support your daily life. You need to put your sneakers or bathing suit on, and do the laps. This is where, I have to finally admit, Nike got it right. Some things you just have to do… and later, you are glad you did.
Level Two: Mind and Emotions
You also need the ability to notice what’s happening internally.
When anxiety rises or old stories get activated, can you slow down and pay attention? Can you take twenty minutes to inquire into what’s happening instead of immediately reacting? This is active coping vs. passive coping. This will calm your fight-or-flight response – usually a small drop in stress makes a big difference. With time, you start to recognize the deeper expansion that longs to outpace the old song.
These are essential skills. Here is a blog that names the tools in my book, Stress to Strength, and healthy coping options. This is an area that needs to keep expanding and growing as you expand. Tools have a way of expiring.
Level Three: Deep Blocks
And then there are the places where the roots of resistance to change run deeper.
Sometimes the obstacle isn’t something you can solve alone. Sometimes the fear, trauma, pattern, or resistance is significant enough that you need support.
A guide. A therapist. A coach. A trusted friend.
Whatever form it takes, there are moments when we need help clearing the deeper blocks that stand between us and our next level of growth.
Building strength across all three levels is lifelong work. We fall off. And come back. You forget. Then remember.
That’s part of the process.
Walking Your Talk
One of the clearest signs that you’re actually walking your talk isn’t perfection.
It’s noticing when you’ve gone off track, and limiting that derail time.
You have options on how to intervene with yourself.
It means shortening the amount of time you spend lost in the weeds before finding your way back.
That, to me, is real growth.
Not never struggling, or never having doubts arise. Not never doubting or always having perfect emotional regulation.
Just becoming more skilled at returning to yourself. And being kind to yourself through the ups and downs.
In Closing
Knowing tools isn’t enough.
Knowing hacks isn’t enough.
Reading Facebook posts about the twenty things to do when you’re dysregulated isn’t enough.
At some point, we have to actually use the tools. To stop and sit with the emotion. To shift the root of the self criticism spiral.
And the good news is that they don’t have to be the newest, trendiest, most sophisticated, or coolest techniques. The tools that work are often surprisingly simple.
My Stress to Strength system is built largely on the classics. Four steps. Five tools. A practical map for responding to many different forms of stress.
Simple. Repeatable. Effective.
Because transformation doesn’t come from collecting tools.
It comes from using them.
Blessings,
Denise
Thank you for your words.
You’re welcome, Julie. I appreciate you.