Fall in Colorado means gold leaves on the Aspen trees.

Reminder: Each day includes

  • The day’s focus/action – 5-10 minutes minimum
  • A teaching and explanation of why this action matters
  • More information and resources, if you want to go deeper.
  • Field reports: you can check in about learnings, ask questions – mdenisebarnes at gmail.com

Today’s topic: People-pleasing – aka – Over-caring or Over-giving

ACTIONS: You can put your timer on to limit the time; this might take 10-20 minutes.

Fill out this worksheet to explore your current social support circle – the people in it, and what they’re good at. Are you getting enough support for all you wish to create, alongside the caregiving that’s needed?

Think about a situation that happened recently, where you said Yes, I can do that – when you really wanted to say no. In light of that type of over-giving when you weren’t really into it, explore this worksheet on how to Say No Gracefully.

What might you have said instead? You can try to:
a) Buy some time before answering, or ask for time to think about it.
b) Say no, clearly but kindly. Try saying that phrase out loud. (I’ll often role play saying NO with clients.) Then,
c) Think about what is scary or feels wrong about being honest about your true needs.

Just watch how you work with this in your life. There are often clear signals you get, No… Ugh… I don’t think so. But sometimes it can be hard to honor these signals, especially if these are things you always do for others. They get used to it and like it, of course. So, it can take some time and require updating loved ones, to change these trends.

TEACHING:

People-pleasing & Over-giving

People-pleasing — is it an epidemic, or did we just finally get a word for a pattern many of us have been living for years? You’ll also see this called over-giving or over-caring. Whatever you name it, the experience is common, and there are a few modern reasons it feels so visible today.

First, we’re distracted. When our attention is scattered, we’re less likely to notice our own needs — and less likely to speak up for them. Second, life’s pace is faster, which blurs priorities and makes saying “no” feel risky or awkward. Third, many of us (especially women and caregivers) were socialized to put giving above receiving, whether that’s cooking the holiday meal, always being the one to check in on others, or taking the lead on caretaking. Those expectations can quietly become a default that’s hard to disrupt.

Why bother looking at this? Because balance matters. Giving is a beautiful thing — but love and healthy relationships require reciprocity – the ability to both give and receive. When we can’t receive, we limit our own well-being and capacity to grow. Practically, receiving help tends to benefit others too: saying “yes” to helping another can increase connection and even oxytocin for the helper. And if you’re building a business, changing careers, or creating something new, asking for help isn’t a weakness — it’s a practical necessity.

A few simple reminders:

  • Notice the small “yes” you didn’t mean. That’s the place to practice.
  • Start small — tiny shifts build momentum.
  • Be proactive: if a recurring role is getting heavy (the Thanksgiving cook, family caretaking), invite brainstorming. Ask, “How could we make this different this year?”
  • If you’re the sole person helping a neighbor or friend, say so: “I’m at capacity right now — can we look for others who can help or split this up differently?”

Practical strategy: use time-bounded “nos.” For example, “I can’t take that on right now, but I can help find someone or help next month.” That way you protect your limits without burning bridges.

If this is a long-standing pattern, be gentle with yourself — changing gears takes time. Use the Saying No Gracefully worksheet for language you can try out. Remember our day two challenge, and recall how full your plate is. As you change this pattern, it may feel strange or hard. That’s OK, it gets easier. And people will then be free to find support that fits better. Use tools and supports to stay on track to free up time for what matters most to you, lower stress and increase wellbeing.

Conclusion: It may feel like people-pleasing is everywhere — or maybe we’re just more aware of it now. Either way, this awareness is a gift: it gives you a place to start shifting toward more balance, more reciprocity, and more ease.

Go Deeper:

More thoughts and Resources for People Pleasing

Root causes: This instinct can also be relevant to certain attachment styles, fear of rejection, low self-worth, cultural/gender roles, trauma history, anxiety, or codependency. Search any of these terms for more info and know that therapy can help.

Clear signs of over-giving:

  • You say “yes” and afterwards feel resentful or exhausted.
  • You avoid asking for help.
  • You take responsibility for others’ feelings.
  • You lose track of your own priorities or energy.

Consequences of People Pleasing: burnout, resentment, loss of time/energy for your goals, diminished sense of self, stalled professional growth.

More scripts you can use:

  • Short, direct no: “I can’t do that right now.”
  • No + boundary: “I can’t take that on this week — I’m booked.”
  • No + offer an alternative: “I can’t, but I can help find someone who can.”
  • Time-bounded yes: “I can help for an hour on Thursday.”
  • Soft but firm: “I want to be helpful, but I’m at capacity — can we find another way?”

If resistance comes up: Try this journal prompt: “What do I fear will happen if I say no?” Then list evidence for & against that fear, and how you might work with the situation if it does happen.

When there’s no group to share the load — (a) name the task, (b) list 2 possible helpers (friends, neighbors, community groups), (c) create a single outreach message asking for help or a rotation.

When to seek professional help: People-pleasing can be driven by longstanding trauma, deep anxiety, and can cause severe life impairment. Relevant skills to learn include communication, and working with conflict. Coaching or therapy can help.

Books and Podcasts:

Books

  • Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect — Jonice Webb. Great for people who grew up not having their emotional needs met (a common origin for people-pleasing). Offers clear examples and practical recovery steps.
  • Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No — Drs. Henry Cloud & John Townsend. Practical, widely used guide to understanding and creating healthy limits in relationships. Handy for people who need perspective and scripts.
  • The Disease to Please: Curing the People-Pleasing Syndrome — Harriet B. Braiker. Focused specifically on the people-pleasing pattern; offers exercises and behavioral strategies to shift the habit.

Podcasts

Stop People Pleasing (podcast) — episodes geared toward empaths and highly sensitive people who want to reclaim time and energy.

FT Podcast episode — “Why people-pleasers fail” — a compact, research-informed look at people-pleasing in work settings.

Saved by the crowd: Sunday’s hike. Wanted to say no to breakfast when our hike was cut short by rain (I’d already eaten). My friend Jackie is persuasive and loves going out. Thankfully the restaurant was super full and it would’ve taken more time that neither of us had. Phew!